Neurodiversity & Parenting

I always knew that there was something different with me and parenting only highlighted these differences. I received my diagnosis of Autism later in life (38 years old) and by this point I already had 3 children.

I didn’t find parenting easy and always wondered why, I looked at other parents cuddling their children, laughing and playing games. Baby groups seemed to shine a spotlight on this, and I couldn’t help to compare my parenting styles to other new moms.

It wasn’t so much the sleepless nights I struggled with or the constant demand of the baby stage. It was as the children got older, I found it harder. As soon as they had a voice and started to make their own choices, the changing demands. I struggled with the change of routine, the touch (due to my own sensory needs) and playing games. I didn’t have an imagination so I found the concept of play confusing and needed guidance which is not something you can ask a two-year-old to help you with.

It wasn’t until I got to my third child when I was in my 30s that I got into the swing of it and knew what it was all about. Well, I had mirrored enough parents to grasp the basics. However, I cannot say this ever felt natural, maybe it was the double empathy or the difference in the way Autistic people communicate with people that are not Autistic.

When it came to the rules of parenting, I excelled. Anything to do with structure and routine; bed time, homework rules and boundaries, made me feel more in my element as rules help me feel safe. Not that my children didn’t struggle themselves with my constant rules, especially when they became teenagers and began to push back. I found the young adult stage, where they needed more emotional support and guidance, the most challenging. How do you support a young adult with emotional regulation when you struggle with the basics of this yourself?

We have struggled to understand each other at times, and this has led to many rows. They have felt at times that I do not care, as my facial expression does not always show this and my processing delays means I need time to understand the information I’m receiving. My children would tell me my words come across as fake and forced. Again, only goes to show I’m working on something that does not come naturally to me like it does to other parents.

I’m now in my 40s and although this journey has not been easy, now my older two are young adults, I feel I am learning from my children every day. In some ways, we have switched roles and they now help me to navigate the world that is so confusing to me, they protect me and help to keep me safe.

Both my children will talk me through situations that I'm struggling with showing affection, love and empathy. They know I need clear instructions to help me understand how they are feeling and emotions. My daughter will talk me through the script, of how I need to interact with them and how to ask how to ask about their day was and making sure I have the facial expression to match. We often make light of the struggles rather than focus on them. 

This can still be difficult for us all to navigate and I still have days where I find this more challenging especially if I have had to mask more but we continue to work on our communication and empathy together. I am so proud of how far we have come. I may not show my love the same way that they do but they mean everything to me and are my whole purpose in life.

So to other Neurodivergent parents struggling on their parenting journey, you are not alone and you are doing your best which is all a parent can ever do to support their children.